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Sunday, June 20, 2010

father's day

today is father's day. i texted all the dads i know and wished them a happy father's day. Then it got me thinking. how many of them are 'traditional' dads? how many are baby's daddies, how many just straight up should haven't been sleeping with that idiot? how many 'adopted' kids because they felt the kids need a father in their lives (and the biological one was unknown, in jail, dead, married and not acknowledging the kid, etc) so i thought about what i would tell these children about the men who were and weren't in their lives

1. I know you love your mother, but with certain exceptions, dont believe everything she's saying about your father. he wasn't always a liar, thief, and cheat. and if he was, why was she sleeping with him unprotected?

2. Sometimes women want another woman's man. Its life, now while your dad was triflin to cheat on his wife/girlfriend/significant other with your mother, your mom wasn't all innocent. she knew what was up. It is much easier to say your father lied (and he might have to a point) but its much easier to say she was duped than to admit she thought she could 'take' your father away from who he was with.

3. Don't necessarily believe that your father never wanted to have anything to do with you from the time he found out about you. Many times the problem lies at your mother's feet. If she was a teen-ager, she wasn't mature enough to separate the fact that she was either a) a booty call b) your father didn't take the relationship as serious as she did c) he was just as young and stupid as your mother and was scared.
Many teenage girls who get pregant have no clue about how they have just changed their future. They look to their friends and family (who while saying they have the best intentions, are bring their own garbage and drama to the table) tell them all sorts of bs (most of which isn't true) and create conditions that didnt allow your parents to be what they were suppose to be, co-parents to you.

4. If your mother were one of those women who heard her biological clock ticking and just had to have a baby, if she didn't go to a sperm bank, she 'planned' with some guy to do 'sperm bank cheap' and have you. problem was, she didn't realize 1)babies are expensive and 2) children really do need their fathers. What she didn't tell you and will never admit to telling you is that she told him that she wouldnt ask for child support if he made a 'donation'. once he made the dontation and she realized she was over her head financially, she 'forgot' the terms of the agreement and now wants him to pay. If someone reniged on a contract you had, wouldn't you be mad too? especially when you were doing HER a favor?

5. Sometimes some women believe what they see on TV. They think marriage and/or relationships are easy. a man should somehow read her mind, woo her, wine her, dine her be the perfect mate. Your mother watched too much TV and believed too much of the BS her family and girlfriends told her. Your mother is no saint and if you ask your father, in the relationship, she wasn't either. she was petty, cruel, rude and basically not a nice person. When he wanted out, she used you to get back at him. When it didn't work, she took you and left, like a spoiled child leaving the playground with his ball.

6. Your mother used/uses the court system to punish your dad. She's make allegations that would make your skin crawl. what? because it was never about you. She's convienced herself that your dad did these things because she's punishing him for not being with her. Even if she's remaried/involved with someone else. she's using the court system to stalk him and If you stopped believing your mother walked on water and did a bit of investigating, you may found out that your anger and resentment towards your father should be focused elsewhere.

7. Yes your father cheated on your mother. And? that's their business, unless she told you, you didn't need to know. just because he cheated on her, never, ever meant he didn't love you and didn't want to be in your life.

8. Not every relationship is going to last until death. your parents had different ideas about what kind of relationship they had. He may have married her because she was pregnant and she threatened to have an abortion. He may have married her because you were born and he didn't want his child to not know his father. Don't judge a man when he realizes that his relationship with your mother has reached its end. Its much worse if he uses you as an excuse to not leave.

Understand this, your father can parent you from outer space. he doesnt have to live with you to be a part of your life. Whatever the circumstances of your birth, your father loves you. From Iraq to Afganistan to Tibet to Cleveland, Ohio, you are never far from his thoughts. He would move mountains and seas and in some cases, die for you. You dont have to like the relationship of your parents, however, understand that its not your relationship with your parents. Take this day to think about what your dad does and doesnt mean to you.

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