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Tuesday, June 14, 2011

dating blues

It is a fact of life. Sometimes you have just days. I'm hoping that i'm at the end of my bad date moments. In the past few months, I've had some seriously funny dating experiences. okay. some of them just weren't that funny. however, i'm trying to be open minded. Honestly, i should be. A few weeks ago, I hung out with a guy that would make your mouth water. He was tall, dark chocolate. did i mention dark chocolate? body like, oh my god. voice. a voice that could make the heaven's sing. Intelligent. funny. swagger. i'm like, alrighty then. I'm in. . He's in town for an event. So i visit him at his hotel room. He offers me a drink. i decline. i'm driving I say. We watch some event on TV. I'm not really paying attention. I'm drinking him all in. We talk. He's smiling and laughing. good signs i'm thinking. he wants me to curl up next to him. who the hell am i to argue? we cuddle. we kiss, we make out. i'm like all systems a go. Then it happens, or rather nothing happens. I mean IT doesn't work. I am like, huh? are you kidding me? please dear lord, don't do this to me. NOT NOW. I do what any self-respecting women in that situation would do. I tell him its okay, we can cuddle. I'm pissed. I mean, i'm feeling absolutely duped at this point. What kind of bait and switch is this??? Uh naw. I want my money back. Wait, I didn't pay any money. Yes I did. I put gas in my car. I drove over here. That was money. This man is going to give me my money back. He must have read my mind because he decides that he'll 'make' up to me. He goes down there. He might not have wanted to do that. Someone help me. I haven't been that disappointed since I was 6 year old and found out the Easter Bunny wasn't real. There was no absolutely reason for any of what happen to occur. We chatted for a bit. He fell asleep. I decided then and there that there was absolutely NO reason for me to stay. I got up, got dressed and left. I did kiss him on the forehead and said have a safe trip home. he mumbled something incoherent and flopped his head about on the pillow. I walked to the elevator thinking, okay, really, where's the camera, cause this had to be a bad joke. Then i look at my phone. i have a text message from another tall chocolate brotha asking me to come to his place. He also text directions. I have to drive past his house to get home. I never went. I was so disgusted by the first chocolate man, I drove straight home and pulled the covers over my head.

i'm not going out on another date, at least until another 6'3 chocolate brother calls me up. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Leave her ass alone

Dear Nephews,
I have decided that with the new year, i would give you guys some advice on women. Since you guys range in age from 25 to in uterus, i decided to make sure i cover all my bases. While i'm sure you are all thinking, has she been drinking again..., i have not, (well, not until after i finish writing this) but i do want you guys to know that I only want the best for you. i want you guys to be in happy, positive, fulfilling relationship (with women, but if you don't like women, the same advise will probably apply to men also). With so much crap going on between men and women these days, i want you guys to be able to determine who is worth and who is worthless.

1.You are not CAPTAIN SAVE A HOE
Guess what, you aren't Superman, Batman or The Green Hornet either. Don't RESCUE any woman until she's in imminent danger. This does NOT include her getting evicted from her home (she needs to get her finances straight-without your money), her babydaddy/ex/ex-husband is beating her ass, she lost her job and has to move in with her mother/family members, her car broke down, her baby need paper and milk or any other EXCUSE you brings to you. Say, oh wow, sorry to hear that. I can't help you but I will pray for you.

Leave her ass where you found her.

2. She has more than 2 kids by 2 different men before she is 21.
She can't listen or learn. This chick doesn't think fat meat is greasy. Unless she is a victim of rape or incest, she  WILLINGLY had sex with guy(s) who were using her as a bouncing ball. Yes, i know, I'm being mean, but guess what...

Children are a blessing, so is common sense
and she's not using hers.

There is NO REASON in this day and age ANYONE should get pregnant by 'accident'. She is not Jamie Lyn Spears. She is probably NOT independently wealthy, and is living with family and/or her income is being supplemented by the Federal and State Governments. If, (and that's a big IF) she's getting child support, its probably not enough and that whole situation is something you should avoid like the plague.

again, refer to Statement #1

Leave her ass where you found her

3. You cannot turn a HOE into a HOUSEWIFE
I'm sure there are some very nice strippers in that club. Yea, okay. There are also very nice women who work at Macy's, Go to Virginia Tech and work for the post office. Guess what, they aren't shaking their asses in front of some guys face on the chance that he's going to give them $$ to look up her vagina.
Yes, the recession hit everyone hard, but guess what. Not that damn hard. If she thinks that's the only way she can make money 'legitimately', keep moving.

Leave her ass where you found her

4. If she thinks all men are untrustworthy, cheaters and liars, she's damaged goods.
If you meet a woman and she tells you that her ex and ALL her other exs mistreated and abused her, then tell her to get some therapy and take your ass home. She needs to be alone and figure out why SHE keeps attracting losers. If you just HAVE to date this mental case, I can tell you now what's going to happen. She's going to call you all the time, accuse you of being 'just like all the other guys', start timing you on how long it will take you to go from her house to yours, will lose her mind if you don't give her all your passwords to facebook, twitter, myspace, your work and personal emails and pass codes to your voice mail.

 (if you give this nut ANY of your passwords, i will personally kick your ass)

She had self-esteem, jealousy and many other issues that you are not professionally trained to deal with. I dont care if she says because you guys are 'dating' or 'together' she should have the pass codes. And if she tries that, "everyone does it' speech, tell her to call me. I can assure you, you won't be in a 'relationship' with her after i'm finished...

Leave her ass where you found her

5. She had kids (more than 1) and expects if you date her, you have to do for her kids too.
again, refer to Rule #1 and #2. 
If you date a woman with children, you are NOT obligated to do anything for her children. They have a father, its not you. I don't care if their father is in jail, dead or a deadbeat, those children are NOT your responsibility. PERIOD. Do not pay for babysitters if you go out on dates (her kids-her responsibility) if she can't afford a babysitter, then she' can't come out and play. When you decide to have children, guess what you are now a 'grown-up', whether you are 16 or 36. Any women who tells you that she doesn't have a babysitter and has to bring the kids on the date isn't someone you need to be dating. If she tells you that YOU have to pay for a babysitter if you want to date her, guess what, there are PLENTY of childless women out there, you wont be alone for long. If she expects you to buy her children birthday and Christmas presents...,

Leave her ass where you found her. 

6. She is drama filled from the day you meet her.
There's drama and then there's "the police have been called drama" If she's ever been arrested for domestic violence, can't go into certain areas because she has 'beef' with some chicks there, had to move from one area of the country to another because of 'problems', etc. Leave her ass alone. If your car is keyed up when you are at her place, if some guy calls your phone telling you to leave his 'woman' alone, if she tells you she's 'separated' but never filed any papers and still lives with her husband or with her mother, she is going to get your ass killed, attacked or arrested. If you were dating a friend of her's and now dating her, (you are triflin-but that's another posting) I'm telling you right now, i don't have bail money for all of you guys, someone is going to be left out...

Leave her ass where you found her

7. She tells you she's about her plans for the future but you don't see any results
She is either telling you what she thinks you want to hear to keep you interested, she's lazy as hell or she's having mental heath issues. None of which are in your best interest. If any women tells you if you do something then she's do something to better herself, she's got fuckin issues. Don't get duped by some woman who says she's get her driver's license if you guys move in together. If she won't get it for herself, she damn sure won't get it for you. You should want to be with someone who has her own goals, dreams and aspirations, if she isn't striving to better herself, with or without you, why are you with her...?

Again, Leave her ass where you found her. 

I don't want you guys to think that I am being harsh and judgmental on women (yea, i am) but i want YOU to be with women who are bring something to the table more than her ass and a couple of kids. You can destroy your credit, mental heath and your car on your own. You do not need a woman to do that for you.

I love you all

Aunt Jinks

Sunday, January 2, 2011

FUCK 2010

Yep, I said it. Fuck 2010.
Thank god its over. towards the end there, i was like, oh this is some damn bullshit. let's review shall we.

boyfriend couldn't see me on NYE 2010 because he had to work. oh, but he could drive to his uncle's house and hang with family. and bought tickets to a football game for his christmas present. again, "work" issues. spent my damn $100+ on a team i didn't even like. WTF

My job. oh let's not even go there.

my friends. nothing like your friends suggesting you can't pick em.

boyfriend calls with news that will make me say WTF about 10 times in 8 minutes and then dump him.

booty-call guy falls asleep during sex

find out my job didn't withhold enough taxes, so now state and feds are hunting me down like a runaway slave.

student loan people think i can pay them $1900 per month. at this rate, my great-great nieces and nephews will be paying my student loans off.

between my relatives, friends and acquaintances, 14 women around me having given birth or are currently pregnant since December 2009. i have spend more money buying baby stuff and going to showers than i care to admit.

my GYN ask me when i'm going to have a baby.

my dating life reminds me of bad episodes of Seinfeld.

i switched gyms and stopped going. WTF. when i was going almost daily, i actually lost inches (and a few pounds).

i have writer's block BADLY

every other damn celebrities's either having a baby, getting married or getting divorced. and they want me to fucking care. (okay, i care about Sandra Bullock. This was just some triflin shit Jesse James did. I would have had to divorce his ass too behind those shanks he was sleeping with. There's public humiliation and then there's OH FUCK NO humiliation)

teena marie died. now i'm feeling old as hell and nostalgic for my lost youth

i did not get to Vegas. or Hedo or even the mountain. my trip to Atlantic City WILL NOT be discussed EVER. That's a "do-over" situation.

i spend NYE 2009 and NYE 2010 on the same spot on the couch.

FUCK 2010